One of the nicest things I ever did.

Sharmin’s Chompers

I picked up a woman with an accent this morning – I knew it, but couldn’t put my finger on it, so I asked.

She’s from Trinidad – ah, a Trinnie – which triggers a memory – which subsequently triggers another – so here they are.

During my last two years on St. Croix, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life – I bought a restaurant – I knew nothing about the restaurant business – but I bought a restaurant – fortunately my Favorite Son & his girlfriend – who later became the mother of my Favorite Grandson – had been working in the restaurant business in the West Chester area for years – and they agreed to come down & run the place for me.

It was called Subs & Stuff – the locals knew the term “subs” – but not “hoagies” – but that’s what it was – a hoagie & cheesesteak shop that also offered sit-down breakfasts & several entrees during lunch & dinner – we shared a courtyard with a Greek restaurant called Never on Sunday – and everyone ate at tables in the courtyard.

It was post-Hugo – 1989 – and none of the purveyors were delivering – so that was my job – gopher – go to the baker first thing in the morning for bread & rolls – go to the donut shop for donuts & Danish – stop at the Arab deli for beer & soda – at the market for lettuce, tomatoes, onions & such – & the meat distributor for steak & cold cuts.

I made sure all the bills & the employees were paid – but sometimes there were no funds left over to pay the gopher – told ya it was a mistake.

Historical note – In 1672 Denmark established the Danish West Indies colony in the Caribbean – consisting of St. Thomas, St. John, Water Island, and St. Croix – the Danes ruled the islands for more than a century & some remained on the island thereafter.

Now – I bring up the name of Victor Borge – a Danish Jew – whose parents were both classical musicians – he started taking piano lessons in Denmark at the age of two & gave his first recital at the age of eight – he then performed piano concerts throughout Europe for 20 years – but when Germany invaded Denmark in 1940, he escaped to America aboard the U.S. Army transport American Legion – arriving in New York with $20 in his pocket – $3 of which went for customs fees.

In America, he added comedian to his musical talents & became a star on the radio, on TV, and a few movies – he played himself in 1982s King of Comedy.

In 1999, the Kennedy Center honored him with a lifetime achievement award – along with Sean Connery & Stevie Wonder – so that’s who Victor Borge was & he was no slouch.

Getting back to Subs & Stuff – I was also the delivery boy for any telephone orders – this one day we get a call for a delivery – just two blocks away – high up on the hill behind the shop.

I go there and find myself at a Danish mansion that dates back to the 1700s – I knock on the door – a few seconds later the door opens & there’s this guy standing there in his underwear – even though I never saw him before in person – I recognize him at once.

“Hey, Vic,” I say. “How ya doin’?”

That’s right, ladies & gentlemen – it was Victor Borge – I saw him so many times on TV – even in his underwear I recognized him – he smiled – thanked me – paid me – & tipped me.

Now – finally we get to the meat of the Trinnie story.

A hired a Trinnie – she was as black as the ace of spades, 22-23, beautiful face – nice body – smart, personable, good worker – BUT the girl never smiled – Why not? – simple – missing her two front teeth on top – if you asked her a question – she’d drop her head and look at the ground when she answered – that’s how self-conscious she was.

So racist motherfucker that I am – I sent her to a dentist or oral surgeon – forget which – and paid for some new chompers for Sharmin – that was her name.

And she never stopped smiling after that.

One of the nicest things I ever did, for sure – but here’s a touch of irony – I broke a couple teeth last year – one in front – looks like shit – yet, somehow, I won’t shell out a penny to get my own teeth fixed – go figure.

I’m America’s Best Crime Writer –

& I approve this message.

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